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Healing

Smile! Healing starts now !

Please be sweet !

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I was going to agonize in this post about my need for you to show you are alive ( and not just when I see you on the forum, which triggers me big time and makes me super super sad ).

I was also going to ask you to please be sweet.

However I am rather asking me to be sweet.

I am exhausted, I left you and regretted it nearly immediately, I left my best friend because of safety questions and issues and  now, eventually reaching the end of 3 exhausting weeks of work and maybe seeing the end of financial mayhem I am facing yet another deadline and an inspection and it sucks. It just sucks.

On the way back from school I was thinking that my little squares were starting to pile up on the unhappy side and it sucked.

So the romantic love square is off. The friendship square is partly off. I don’t have any close friend I can confide in anymore and I would definitely need the support right now. The family square is so-so. The financial square is still in recovery. The workout square is off for one more week as my back is still healing from the surgery. My self esteem square is totally off. My meditation square is off as well. In the end…

I wanted to fast but this is off too with the amount of work I am going to have to go through before next week.

My fasting square and bettering my health and losing body fat is off as well.

How many are left that are ok ?

My client/ lightwork square is on.

My gratefulness is on.

I am tired/exhausted but still on my 2 feet and I have my voice and despite being sick or having surgery my family members are alive. My dog is ok. Yeah ! That is 4.

But honestly the rest sucks and this is not a good time for me.

I had a coworker taking the piss out of me today. Ok. I will take notice of that next time we talk and be sure to a just my attitude. You fouled me once, not twice.

I also decided I would not stress too much over it. Ok. This too I will stick to it as much as I can. I have a big week of work, plus a long meeting on Thursday. I will delay everything else. I am so tired, so tired and so down tonight.

So instead of asking you to be sweet ( but oh my goodness, how much I want you to say hi, there is no words to describe how much I crave and ask for this ), I am asking myself to be sweet. I think I am going to hit the bed after finishing my camomille and try to wake up early tomorrow. Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully I will feel more energized and capable of tackling yet another challenge like this one before crumbling and sleeping 48 hours.

I just hate my job right now. I hate that side of it. Jeez. This is another sign that I really need to change career and study to get a new life. Quick.

Help Universe, please Help !

Help me be empowered by the challenge and tackle this opportunity like a Champion, let me be  a Champion and have an awesome time next Wednesday and move on beautifully with lots of fun and love.

Let me receive good happy loving news from Utz, please, Universe !!!

Please !!!

 

Now…

Thanks so much for this Universe !

 

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Letting Go.

is what I am to do now.

Just ‘ cause.

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Munich Ready ?

Not quite yet but getting there !

Need to book a shuttle. Need to book a Uber ? Need to understand how the train system works and how to get to my AirBnb. Need to know how to deal with life there and make sure I have enough money with me.

Need to… so many things… Euros… Credit cards, hoping they will work and not give me headaches… maybe going to Paris to keep burning myself  and confronting myself with everything. Think about what to put in my Capsule ( very large ) suitcase. Need to pack my Yoga Mat. Need to …

 

TV : “It is time to go there.

-But what if going there I am making a mistake ?

-You have to go there to know that …”

So there I have it, my answer. Go there and see how it all goes.

Time to make many mistakes.

My survival rate  is still 100 % so… let’s cross fingers and hope it will all work out well.

 

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Regret

I own no rights on any of the pictures.

I am having regrets, lots of them and they all belong to the same group…

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I just want to un-leave you.

Goodness, the only person that made me feel that way was my narc ex. he was actually cheating on me and playing on both sides of the world with hearts and involvement. I felt when I left you I was somehow experiencing the same kind of things then reminded me I was not because you are not him and you are not a narc.

 

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Why did I do that ?

1- Because I was still behaving and ” re-acting” like when I was with that narc guy.

2- Because I was very upset with the disrespect and I could see and feel that something was weird and getting weirder and weirder as time went by.

3- Because I did not know what else to do ( powerlessness/ helplessness ). I had no idea how I could alter things. This is very tricky because the spectre of control is never too far.

4- Because I had insecurities that were driving me insane and I was so panicked about it, it was not possible to stop it.

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PAUSE = Suddenly I realize that there were circumstances very similar to those that I had been through in the previous years and this year as well. I was not the one in panic. It was the friend I said goodbye to. She was in a frenzy, the same kind I entered when I let my insecurities get on top of myself. And I spent hours and days and weeks trying to help her out of it, finding things to make her feel better and cool down. And then it hit me. What did she do to help me out of it ? Nah that question cuts in both ways… Because it highlights that I did not talked to her that much ( already not trusting her ) and that she did not do that much ( selfishness ). This is important for me, it needs to unpack itself. I need this to feel better.

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My mind is tired. I am confused and dealing with so many emotional experiences at once. I can clearly see myself telling her that about procrastinating and for me it is the one thing that led to the end of our relationship. I also see myself saying this to the person I am helping at the moment. And I know that some things that did not happen will comme back and bite their asses too.

Right now I am getting mine picked big time because I left you. I have been using all the Matthew Hussey coaching I can remember but it does not work.

I don’t believe it will. That is another part of the problem, so much pain I feel talking about it and not believing I will have a second chance with you will prevent … what ?

I am just in pain.

And I just want you.

I got told I would meet somebody else but I don’t want to meet somebody else. I just want you.

I have been struggling with this so much. I feel like I have lost you and it is definitive. I also have a feeling that I will regret this forever. And I feel so dumb about going to Munich. I also feel like I need to do this to free me vent though it might break me totally. The tears I have been crying are so little compared to the pain I feel. I also feel like doing this is the best thing I can do to deal with my broken heart and also with the regrets haunting me.

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I can not keep going living like that. I can not going living like that and missing you so much and never meeting them ever.

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I did something based half on wisdom and half on fears and I am not even capable of owning it fully. So let’s hope this is going to help me end this agony.

 

Asshole maybe ?

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Could you please be a total asshole instead of being a cutie pie, please, so it becomes easier for me to let go of you, please ?

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I don’t know why I went back to the forum. Oh yes I know I had an intuition, maybe it was not such a good thing. I saw your name there.

It stuck with me. I stalked your latest posts. You stopped posting on the 7th and came back online on the 31st of last month.

Goodness.

I am not ready to be back posting anytime soon.

I am not used to be so damaged by something like that. I am not ready to be missing someone I just met and barely know so hard. It sucks.

 

Connection

is how to get rid of my addictive tendencies…

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Now…

Much much larger, please Universe ! 😉

 

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